Sunday, September 18, 2011

Trust.

I trust you with my heart, now and always.  Maybe I shouldn't-but I do. 
You're worth a night alone, really. Someday, soon maybe, your arms will be around me again.
For now I'll just keep waiting for the next kiss on my forehead. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I miss you tonight, as usual.  It wasn't that bad until I had a moment where I thought that just maybe you wanted to see me; it's a million times worse now. 
I just want to be cozy, it's so cold here.  I want someone to hold me tight.
Cliche life.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Maybe

Maybe this time, for the first time, maybe this time he'll stay.
Every single guy I have ever wanted or lusted after has left me for something else, something better.  When I met you, I thought this was different.  You looked at me not as a conciliation prize, but as the person that I am and I think you loved that.  I want to believe you did, anyway.
Now I'm alone again, three years later with nothing but mistrust and a scarred heart to show for it. 
I want to talk to you so badly.
I want you to miss me.  Please miss me.  I miss you so much, and I feel pathetic and unrequited. 
This is supposed to get easier, but every night something else hurts.  I can't let you go but I can't hold you close either.
So here I am, waiting for you to tell me the inevitable.  I'm not good enough.
It's gonna happen, happen sometime, maybe this time I'll win.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The house on Lutz street

Tonight the wind is creeping up the street and blowing in the eves.  Next to me, he twitches the corners of the blanket around my shoulders.  The old house has been abandoned for almost six months, though from the looks of the tattered throw in the corner we might not be the first to use it as a hideout.  The neighbors dog yips faintly from two miles down the road, other then this everything is still.
"I will always love you, Sarah."
"I love you too."
"Will you write often?"
"I'll write."
"It's only for a few months, then I'll be back for you.  Will you wait?"
"Mmmmmm.  Let's not talk anymore just now." 
His kiss is warm and sweet; he kisses the way he talks, with a beautiful simplicity.  He holds me and slowly I let myself fall into his body, resting my cheek on his chest as he strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head.  Outside the first drops are falling, soon there will be a downpour.
"Darcy?"
"Sarah?"  I finger the buttons on his shirt, undoing just one at a time.  His hand closes over my fingers and we are embracing in the blasts of lighting.  We are the tempest, and the tempest is us.

Later, he closes his eyes and I let my hand trail across his naked stomach, pausing as he flinches and pulls it into his own. 
"You're wonderful."  His breath is hot on my neck, his whisper sits heavily in the air pressing down on me.
"Darling."
"What?"
"Darling, Darcy, I can't.  I can't pretend that you're going to go away and in two, three, four months I'll still be here waiting.  I don't love you in that way.  When you leave tomorrow, this will end."
He is looking at me but his eyes are blank, translucent.  His face is frozen but I can see my words hitting his core.  He sways and his breath comes fast and shallow.
"Why Sarah?  I told you I will wait for you, I told you I'll be true.  Why?"
"I just need this, it seems right.  It's been fun, but darling I just don't think I can keep on.  You understand."
"No Sarah.  No.  You're wearing my old ring, my jacket.  You're not allowed to say no.  You're mine.  I bought this, when I gave you these things.  I have you now."
"Darcy, you're being ridiculous.  You can't possibly think I would be happy here, with this, forever." 
But his eyes aren't responding anymore, they have taken on the dull sheen of the dead. 
"You can't leave.  I'm not letting you leave." 
His hands are on my arms and I am against the wall;  something cracks and there is wet on my face and it's blood.  My blood.
"Darcy stop.  STOP.  What are you doing?  Think about this.  DARCY." 
A hand on my throat and I can't breath and he is not even looking at me, just staring at the wall beside my head.
After a few seconds he lets up, and I gasp.
"All right.  I'll stay.  I'm not going anywhere, I love you Darcy." 
He turns to me and puts one hand lovingly on the side of my head, the other carreases my chin.
"No, you won't stay.  Not now."
CRACK.


***
"It's the old Lutz house!"  The boy is poking through the fence with a knobbly stick, the girl besides him looks warily at the fallen in timber frame.
"It's gross looking."
"It's haunted."  She rolls her eyes and he nods with authority.
"I overheard my mom talking about it once to the neighbors.  The dude who lived there snapped his girlfriends neck."
"No way."
"No, totally."
"I don't believe that." 
"My mom doesn't lie, and that's not the worst part."
She glances at him sideways, anticipation and trepidation on her face. 
"The guy, he jumped through this hole in the floor, and there was this big pipe sticking up.  It went straight through his stomach, SQEACH." 
The boy makes a violent gesture with his hands, indicating carnage.  The girl shudders and looks back at the house.
"Is it still there?"
"The pipe?  Nope.  They had to cut it off cause it went through his stomach and his guts were stuck around it." 
The house looms in front of them, she looks up at the crumbles of the chimney.  She looks up at it, curiously.
"How come?  Why did he do it?"  He shrugs, unconcerned.
"Who cares?  I dare you to touch the front step." 
"No way.  There are probably ghosts in there who would get all angry.  YOU go do it."
"Nah, I gotta get home for dinner soon." 
They boy throws his stick and it soars through a long ago broken window pane.  They wander off down the lane together, talking and making up better details for the old legend.
Twilight is creeping over the house as the wind picks up.  Rain moving in.

One day at a time

I can't say all the things I want to right now, so I'll put them here instead.  I can't decide if I will actually publish this or not. 
Wed, Sept 14 2:46 am
I love you, sweet dreams darling.
11:03am
It's freezing outside, you would have laughed this morning at our reading in Theater.  It was all a big long "that's what she said."  Also lots of discussions about phallus.  Come snuggle with me?
12:41pm
I met the freshman who lives in your old room at the house a couple of days ago.  We laughed about the angry wall together.  Side-note:  Do you know the urban dictionary definition of "Spelunking?"  They might want to re-think the terminology. 
12:53pm
Boomer is creeping on me again. I've told him to stop, I've told him I don't consider myself really single right now, and he won't.  I just want to be protected, I am getting kind of freaked out about that situation.  Love you so much.
4:34pm
I'm sorry about the status, clearly I did not think it through.  I love that picture I put online last night of you on Peyton's car, I debated for half an hour whether or not I was allowed to put it up.  I decided that as long as I didn't tag you, it was ok.  My RA brought me a note today- I talked to her last night about maybe going to the counseling center.  She is far more impressed with my "strength" and "courage" then I am right now.  I really want to go to that dance party this weekend, simply because I miss dancing- but I'm afraid you will be so mad if you find out.  I don't want to make you mad or worried right now.  I lvoe you (You don't remember it, but you started saying that to me a little under three years ago.)
7:10pm
I'm not listening to them this time.  Little voices in my ear telling me "He's going to leave you, he doesn't mean it, you know how he will deal with things...."  Unlike the last time though, this time I'm not agreeing.  I'm telling them that no, you looked me in the eyes and I believe you.  You're a good person and we will get through this somehow (I hope.)  I love you, I don't doubt you but I wish I could look into your eyes again and know that I'm right.
7:30pm
Random thought, are you in Greek Sing?  I don't think I can go if you are.  It's too hard to see you and not be able to talk to you.
8:48pm
It's so hard not to talk to you.  I know you're talking to everyone I'm close with, and I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I just can't.  I hate this.  So far I have come up with roughly a bazillion excuses to just say hello, but I'm staying strong (so far.)  I just want to say goodnight.  I won't even use the "L" word.  I promise.
11:51pm
I miss you so so so so so so much.  I just want to tell you goodnight.  And also that I gave my one formal dress to a girl to wear for tri-delt pref night...I'm helping the freaking tri-delts (gross.) I want another kiss on the forehead, the one yesterday made me greedy for more.  I love you.  Sleep well.

(to be continued.) 

Resolution

This is good, this is right.  I'm not terrified anymore, I'm just going to be me.  I will still have my moments, I'm sure.  But for right now I am going to read and work and play hard.  I have so many wonderful people in my life, I have so many amazing things left in front of me. 
After all, I'm Scarlette and tomorrow is another day. 
(Cue exit music.)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dear flattering freshman,
You made my day.  I may be far too old for you, but that you for reminding me that I am still fairly young and attractive and could have a life full of possibilities and intrigue.  I'm going to put on some heels and a summer dress and take on the town.  I'm not ready to look at other guys yet, but I don't think I mind when they look at me.

Sincerely,
Flattered and blushing

P.S. I've missed having auburn hair.  <3