Almost Lover [take your bow]

Baby, this is me.

I'm here in the summer, hot hot hot and I'm in two shades of brown, hideous. Hiding behind registers and sneaking chocolates...laughing about the eccentricities of our spiritual co-worker and ogling sweater draped men...one day He comes into the store, and my compatriot and friend tells me "he's cute, I could turn him." I am beet red, blushing for the first time in my life.

I'm here in the fall, as we giggle and pucker, bright red lip marks on the contraceptive balloons we have created. One night we call a ghost, and Ella continues to strike terror into our late night escapades and walks. Such amusement from a black sharpie, the back of class notes, and a shot glass.

I'm here in the winter, and I'm missing home. Four hours on the phone, He is feeling trapped and alone, like me. I am searching and one day decide to go to a party. Screaming and chanting and sorbet-don't talk with your mouth full, try to meet as many people as you can. Insanity. Emails come, telling us results, four, then three, then two...then sign your name and cross your fingers.

I'm here in the spring, and I'm lost and oh so confused. People who I have never seen before claim that they LOVE ME like a SISTER, and all I want is one person to talk to. I am slipping, and I stop talking to Him altogether. Instead, late nights in a chapel, explaining this whole crazy mess to one person. He listens, nods at all the right times, and then we fall asleep together, dreaming away under salmon arch meant to inspire heavenly ideals.

And baby, that was me. And I gave up after that, gave up the threads of myself and let the fabric untangle in a slow progression of summer into fall into winter again. And then, when spring came, something changed. All of those months and years, they are me. But this is me too. And I am

Walking to the fairgrounds, late late late
Falling asleep, waking minutes later with the painful impression of a cell phone
Dancing in a hot room, laughing as passersby wonder at the loud music and complete darkness
Clicking around campus, announcing my presence yards in advance


And then leaving, flying away, back to the place where dreams were once born. And I remember, and I hold on...but that was then and I am here and now.

And baby, this one's for you.