Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Astrology 101

 Cocktail parties are just plain boring.  She thinks this to herself as she bats blue eyes and offers her simpering smile to tall strangers with gleaming watches and crisp bow-ties.  Boring, and they smell like the old woman perfume that wafts from Dolores Ebony as she fills her fourth cup of spiked punch and titters to her date that she isn't a day over forty.  Somewhere around the room her own date is awkwardly tripping over his shoes as he rushes to introduce himself to the high profile account executive who just arrived.  Sighing she stirs the maraschino cherries at the bottom of her cup and wonders if it would be impolite to pick them out by their long stems.

"You look bored."  A startled glance up reveals a pair of brown eyes standing in front of her, one brow arched in a knowing smirk.
"I'm sorry, excuse me- was I in your way?"  She's realizing that perhaps she's had a glass too much of the punch herself, because now the room seems too warm and she can feel a blush spread across her cheeks.
"Well if you were I'm glad- come on and smile, I'm only teasing."  Across the room the band swings into action again, and couples all around begin to make their way to the temporary black and white dance floor. The young man is still smiling at her.  "You have a date tonight?"  She looks around, half shrugging;
"He's around here, somewhere...."
"Well, how about a walk outside?"  He's suddenly shy and glances down before she replies.
"Sure, I mean I would love to get out of here for a few minutes, but I don't know where we would go..."
"Oh, don't worry.  I know a place."  The gleam is back in his eye and before she can think twice he is off weaving through the room and disappearing out the patio door.

The cool air is calming and she can feel the heat vanishing from her cheeks.  The back porch has a few party goers that all share the same tired look on their faces that she is sure was mirrored on her own minutes before.  He is standing against the porch railing and she moves to stand beside him;  he smells clean and faintly of musk.
"The stars are beautiful tonight."  He doesn't look at her when he speaks; she watches him watch the sky, fascinated.
"They're pretty, I've always loved imagining what they're really like." 
"I think they're powerful, there are whole worlds, civilizations out there that we have never discovered.  Out in space... I would love to see everything from out there sometime."
"You mean like the earth?"
"Sure, yeah the earth but everything else too-we have such a finite perception of the world.  We only know what we can see, touch-everything else is pure guesswork.  What are you standing on?"  He turns to look at her and his eyes are burning, she looks around for an answer, cheeks flaming to life again."
"The porch, I suppose."
"Yes but under that?"
"The ground."
"And what's under the ground?"
"The earth's core, I suppose.  Molten lava and all that."
"Are you sure?"
"Well, of course.  All the science says so."
"Yes, but how do you know it's there?"  She pauses, meeting his gaze, captivated and a little frightened by his passion. 
"I suppose I don't."
"Exactly."  Silence falls again, and when he breaks it his tone is softer and more reverant.
"Old stories from all over the world talk about giants roaming the earth.  Today we suppose this is just a per-historic exaggeration but how do we know it's not true?  What if there is a whole world beneath our feet, giants and all sorts of things we thought were just fairytale."  They're standing close now, and without even realizing it had happened she realizes his arm is around hers and they're staring skyward together.  Abruptly he turns and takes her hand,
"Wanna go on an adventure?"  For a moment she pauses, thinking about the poor bumbling fool inside by the punch bowl.
"Of course."

Her heels clutched in her arm she follows him around the vast expanse of lawn to the front of the house, ducking past lit windows and around neatly trimmed hedges.  At the front of the house he stops in beside the picture windows.  Through the half drawn blinds she can see the band and bits of people dancing and talking, but he isn't looking through through the glass.
"Ready?"
"For what?"  His brow is arched again and he simply points up; leaning her neck back she can see a roof three and a half stories above.
"How are we getting up there?"  He smirks and points at an old trellis winding it's way past the windows and up into the darkness.
"We climb."

The wood is old but sturdy, after the first ten feet she learned her lesson about looking down.  At the second story the trellis ends, but the roof flattens out above be the raised ceiling of sitting room. He looks at her, offering his hand to steady as she climbs over the lip of the roof to sit beside him.
"You want to stop here? I didn't even ask if you were afraid of heights."
"I've never had the chance to find out, but lets keep going."
"You sure?"  His are burning with passion again, but this time they burn into hers.  She nods and the grin spreads from his eyes to his lips as he jumps up and leads her away from the edge.  There is an old wrought iron fire ladder in the shadows; rung over rung, hand over hand they climb-her bare toes gripping the cold metal.  Finally his foot disappears above her and strong arms reach down to pull her up the last couple of rungs.  The air seems cooler up here, and the wind whips around them and without knowing how she got there she is bundled in beneath his arm.  Spreading his jacket before them, he stretches out and looks expectantly at her. Thirty seconds later she is in his arms and they both stare skyward, his fingers weaving themselves into her hair.
"This is perfect."  The words escape her in a sigh, and he brushes her lips with his fingertips.
"Shhh."
The night whispers around them and she closes her eyes, safe in the knowledge that nothing is for certain. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Paradise found

There is nothing better than a soft kiss and a dimpled cheeked smile and a whispered "don't go..."  Curling deeper into the oversized shirt that smells like sweat and deodorant and cologne, I kiss the fingers that are stroking my arms.  Safe, for a few hours.  Here there is no heartbreak, there are no lies to be told and no pain to ignore.  I can't stop laughing.  He is worried, I know, that I'm laughing at him but I'm not.  I'm laughing at the world, for proving me right.  I stopped looking, I gave up- I was going to let the pieces lie and walk away. And then, this.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

You told me not to beat myself up, but darling that's just what I do.  So here is my compromise: Thirty seconds of moderate self-loathing, and when I'm done writing I will let it all slide out the back of my head and hope that it isn't sticking in yours. 

I guess what it comes down to is this: I am sick to my stomach and shaking because of my own actions, and because I hurt you.  You, who have been so incredibly kind and sweet and understanding; you who I'm falling for more and more every day. I daydream of being wrapped in your arms for all of eternity, and I am the fool standing in my own way. 

There is more that I want to say but it involves a little four letter word and I'm still terrified of saying too much.  I just know that I'm falling into something with you that I won't be able to stop, and I don't want to. 

Right now I would give anything to look up into your beautiful warm eyes and hear you tell me that you care.  Instead, I'll do just as you said and let the hot water take my tears and my guilt down the drain.