Friday, December 20, 2019

Walking in the woods

The ground was frozen solid, the first real freeze of the fall. She made her way to the grove in the Wood, feeling that solemnity of the forest and of this annual pilgrimage. She always waited for the first frost to come, the frozen ground didn’t give way or leave prints, and soon the snow would blanket the woods and she wouldn’t be able to visit again until spring without leaving signs of her presence. Even then; the melting and the mud would make it almost impossible.

She had begun visiting a decade ago, though really it seemed much less. Sometimes when she looked down at her hands she didn’t recognize them anymore, they were her mothers hands. Somewhere in the woods a lonely chickadee called, and she was tempted to join in the song just for some company, “chickadee-dee dee, chickadee-dee dee.” The trees were clearing gradually and she could see young pines that hadn’t been here when she’d first started coming beginning to choke out the birch. Ahead was the boulder, it had seemed bigger on her first visit- and habit took her over to lay her mittened palm on the freezing stone. When she first started coming she would sit on this boulder for hours, preparing herself, trying to purify her soul for this pilgrimage. Today she swung on through the brush after only a minute. She didn’t feel the ceremony the way she used to. She was coming now because it was What Was Done, not because of any sense of true emotion. The ground slopped gently away and there was the creek before her, water trickling and dripping down mossy stone. Something was wrong. Piles of dirt on the bank where there had once been smooth ground and leaves. A gaping hole. The grave was open.

Inspector Graves hated watching incompetent people work. Not that her team was incompetent, but often she found herself having to hold her tongue and watch them come to conclusions that had seemed obvious to her since the first. This was the price of leadership she supposed, watching other people muddle through until they eventually came to her conclusions on their own. Today was not a good day. It had started with the instant coffee machine breaking, a gift from her ex that she hadn’t had to heart to get rid of, but didn’t want to keep in the house. It was only a year old but it had been hard used in the break room of the station.  So, no coffee for her.  Then the news about Kathy, the station's receptionist engagement.  She had been all smiles and showing off the ring-way too large on a fireman's budget in Grave's opinion, and there had been a lot of oohing and aahing over the way he asked.  Graves didn't like Kathy's boyfriend, his jokes about making Kathy stay home to make his sandwiches and fetch his beer seemed a little too close to the truth.  But then, no one asked her, so she stood there and smiled foolishly all the while thinking that she must be the only black souled person in the whole damn station.

And now a body.  Or, a possible body.  There wasn't much of it left, it had clearly been in situ for years, maybe even a decade.  And she had been standing in the conference room waiting for the decision to be made about who's body it was.  It had been found just over the line into the national forest, another few feet and it would have been on private property and the sheriff's office would have had jurisdiction.  It was state land though, which meant that she would get the body.  Eventually.

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Listen

The beautiful thing is that you listen. When I’m nervous or anxious I remember the fact that every time that I’ve said “this is important to me” you have taken in what I have said and made the most beautiful things happen because of it.
I’m not always good at listening. I want to fill the world with words because they’re how I come to understanding; but even in that, when you told me you like my never ending spew of sentences I didn’t listen and instead apologized for the very thing you said you liked.

I have learned so many things.
I have learned that what you tell me to be the truth is always the truth; and that past hurts came from not asking. You do not lie outright.
I have learned that I have a lot of fixing to do for myself, and that this will be hard work. I’ve learned that I want it to be work, that complacency means I’m not loving as richly or deeply as I should be.
But the beautiful thing is that you listen to me when I blurt things out, and you let me struggle until I find a way to say what I need to. You give me the space to try and then you help.

I want to be better on my own, stronger. I don’t want to rely on you because we both deserve partnership, not dependence. This has been the hardest relationship I’ve ever had, in the best possible way. The difficulty doesn’t lie in giving up part of myself, or in ignoring lies, or trying to be better to deserve my partner. The difficulty is that I want to be better for myself. And for years I’ve been burying myself in the person I’m with, looking for the answers in another human that cannot possibly hold the key to my own self realization.

Maybe I’ll see you in a week. Or a month. Either way, I’m living my life in the best possible way. I’ve got a plan for my own fulfillment, and maybe it will change but it will only change if I want it to.  

It’s so funny that while I write this, echos of my past are messaging me on Facebook. Poor sweet kid, wonderfully nice and probably one of the people who knew my former partner and saw the cruel reality. Boy, you’re like 10 years too late to try to save me, I’ve got my own sword and a prince besides.

I don’t want anyone else in this world to stand beside me. I just want what I’ve always wanted, except now I don’t think it’s a perfect fairy tale. I’m in love with the rough edges of reality.

I wonder how many times I’ve written icy blue eyes on this blog. The thing is, as many times as I’ve written them, I’ve never had them before- not until now. I guess I saved the best for last. I guess I’ve always known that you were the one.

So you know what. I’m not ending this with a request, pleading or begging. Rather with a statement.
I love you
And I know that you love me too.
So babe, happiness is what we’re going to make out of this life, together.