Listen

The beautiful thing is that you listen. When I’m nervous or anxious I remember the fact that every time that I’ve said “this is important to me” you have taken in what I have said and made the most beautiful things happen because of it.
I’m not always good at listening. I want to fill the world with words because they’re how I come to understanding; but even in that, when you told me you like my never ending spew of sentences I didn’t listen and instead apologized for the very thing you said you liked.

I have learned so many things.
I have learned that what you tell me to be the truth is always the truth; and that past hurts came from not asking. You do not lie outright.
I have learned that I have a lot of fixing to do for myself, and that this will be hard work. I’ve learned that I want it to be work, that complacency means I’m not loving as richly or deeply as I should be.
But the beautiful thing is that you listen to me when I blurt things out, and you let me struggle until I find a way to say what I need to. You give me the space to try and then you help.

I want to be better on my own, stronger. I don’t want to rely on you because we both deserve partnership, not dependence. This has been the hardest relationship I’ve ever had, in the best possible way. The difficulty doesn’t lie in giving up part of myself, or in ignoring lies, or trying to be better to deserve my partner. The difficulty is that I want to be better for myself. And for years I’ve been burying myself in the person I’m with, looking for the answers in another human that cannot possibly hold the key to my own self realization.

Maybe I’ll see you in a week. Or a month. Either way, I’m living my life in the best possible way. I’ve got a plan for my own fulfillment, and maybe it will change but it will only change if I want it to.  

It’s so funny that while I write this, echos of my past are messaging me on Facebook. Poor sweet kid, wonderfully nice and probably one of the people who knew my former partner and saw the cruel reality. Boy, you’re like 10 years too late to try to save me, I’ve got my own sword and a prince besides.

I don’t want anyone else in this world to stand beside me. I just want what I’ve always wanted, except now I don’t think it’s a perfect fairy tale. I’m in love with the rough edges of reality.

I wonder how many times I’ve written icy blue eyes on this blog. The thing is, as many times as I’ve written them, I’ve never had them before- not until now. I guess I saved the best for last. I guess I’ve always known that you were the one.

So you know what. I’m not ending this with a request, pleading or begging. Rather with a statement.
I love you
And I know that you love me too.
So babe, happiness is what we’re going to make out of this life, together.