Bathtub confessions

I think I’m gonna marry you.
I mean, I’ve thought forever for a long time- but it was a wish, then a curse. I feel for the charm but I remember holding you through the tears- even if you don’t. Years of hurt- needlessly because you and I were speaking different languages with the same tongue. I didn’t want to hurt you- would have, could have waited. But if I had. Would it have been enough? I was still so broken, you would have become my anchor and my whole happiness in a way that would have spelled the begging of the end. And so now here we are.
I want it all forever.  The goofy jokes and the sweet way you wrap your arms around me, your patience even when I can’t concentrate and I’m trying to remember the most complicated steps to the dance rather than starting at the beginning. I trust that when me hair catches on fire, you’ll slap it it out without thinking of your own hands.
I trust you to tell me when things are not ok.
I trust you to be the first person who hasn’t screamed and shouted to get their way.
It’s been almost a year, and when you walked back into my life I think I knew what it meant, I knew for years.
2.5 years ago I was in an ok place. I was with someone who purportedly adored me, probably the sweetest of any of them, despite the reasons it all ended. And even in the middle of all that you were in my dreams. Night after night, I couldn’t get you out of my head.
I told my friend, driving out to take care of her pony- turned to her in the seat next to me and said “I’m not sure if I believe in soulmates, but if he’s not mine in this life in a past one he was.”
Dear god babe, it’s been you forever and ever.
It’s been so easy to fall into every day life, to adventure and travel and stay home and cuddle. My life hasn’t stopped, my world continues to turn but I like it better when I know I get to talk to you at the end of my day.
So yes, I suppose on paper it’s only been a few months- but in reality it’s been more than a decade. Remember when you asked me to wait wayyyy back when? I thought it was a ploy, but it was genuine. If I had waited 2 months, I could have saved 11 years. And yet, I wouldn’t be me- I would be a derivation of you.
So maybe It’s time to say it with more certainty what I’ve known this whole time.
You’re the only one who could ever have all of my heart. Everyone else has always been second best.
I’m gonna marry you.