Mirror mirror on the wall

I wish I could tell you that it all gets easier from here.  To "move on and learn," or even only to move on.  It doesn't stop though, this isn't the end of the sore raw feeling in your chest.  You were young and full of hope, I know.  Beautiful eyes and a quick smile, happy to daydream away your monochromatic life.  I know you because I am you-past present and future.  In the beginning, I was disdainful.  How could you fall for the simplest, oldest tricks in the book.  And then I look back, through the mirror of you to this:

So I'm a romantic, or supposed to be I guess.  But some days, sometimes I'm really ready to take my Austen and throw it out the window.  Setting people up to believe in simple things like "love..."  nothing simple about it.  But I know that I would plod outside, dust it off and try to put the gold-leafed pages back to order.

I'm sorry, for what it's worth.  I wonder now if I was truly saving you or if I was simply ending your fairytale sooner than it would have organically.  Write, or sing, or paint or play- I don't know what it is that you need to do to move beyond this.  But try to.

Forget what you can and bury the rest.  In a few years you can dust it off and somehow it will be a little duller and a little easier to understand.  Use your hate, use your tears, don't waste them on social media. 

You are strong.  
I am strong.
We are strong.

Promise me one thing: in two years, or five years, or ten- when you finally meet your mirror don't be too quick to laugh and dismiss her.  Try to help, try to teach, and hesitate for a moment before you jump to end their fairy tale.

The dark

The car is out of control and before I know it I'm flying though the windshield, airless floating through time.  Everyone always says it's your life that flashes before your eyes, but for me it is only the last few hours.  Black skeletons of trees surround the car and their imposing limbs seem to mock my fate.  I don't realize I've landed until I feel the pain on my leg of crunched bones, my arm bent awkwardly behind my head and my head forced to stare at the night sky.
She will be so angry about the car.  And here I will die alone.  Those two thoughts are my only company now, aside from the orange tongues of flame licking the carcass of the great metal beast beside me.  She will be so angry, and I am alone and I didn't get to say goodbye.  He will hate me because I can't say goodbye. 
Suddenly a crashing through the trees, loud and metallic- a blinding light cuts my face and before I can shield my eyes I am awake.
I've sweat through the sheets and the stripped yellow shirt- blindly I swat away blankets, swimming in pillows until my hand finally rests on warm skin.  With a sleepy grunt he turns and I take let out my breath, I hadn't even realized I was holding it in.  I am safe, I tell myself; safe and loved and I don't need to say goodbye because he's still right here beside me.  The dreams are getting increasingly disturbing- two nights ago it was an acid bath and before that a train dropping off into the ocean.  The only reason I slept at all was the knowledge that in the morning I would awake to the usual ruckus in the kitchen and this sleeping saviour beside me. 

And now, tonight, what do I have?  Enough alcohol to make sure I fall asleep, surely, but in the morning only spiders and dust bunnies to wake me.  So sleep is, once again, a luxury I will have to do without.  I've been here before, I know that sleepless nights lead to a half life, drifting past people as though nothing really exists outside my own mangled sleep deprived brain.  Wishing only for those few precious seconds where I can sleep without dreaming. 

Sleepless Dreams

I'm completely exhausted, tired to the point of delirium but somehow I can't close my eyes.  Every time I try, I see beautiful brown green eyes and a smile that lights up my world.  Tonight I am happy, tonight I am loved and free.  For the first time in years I feel young again, young and beautiful.  
The night we met, he spun me around and kissed my next.  Gorgeous, he called me, Gorgeous, whispering it to my white pleated collar, "You are so fucking gorgeous."  He walked me back, I think, I've tried so hard to remember- we talked about money or politics but really it was his smile that captivated me.  I tried to go home, thought I was going home, but somehow my next memory is of two bodies crushed into one twin xl bed- a sweet whisper in my ear begging me to stay, telling me that we could just be together and that was enough.  And once again, I was Gorgeous. 
It might have been then that I felt my soul tugging at me, feeling so close to it's match, or maybe that's just a retrospective leap of the imagination.  Either way, weeks later I found a way to deliberately put myself in his path, and there he was again with that same beautiful smile.
I love him now, love him comfortably and passionately all at the same time- and more than anything in the world I want to belong to him.  I'm exhausted by distance and the push and pull of everyday life, but somehow when I close my eyes, the smile is far more persuasive than sleep.

Sandstorm

In my dream there's wind and sand and the dry air sticks to the roof of my mouth.  I'm looking, searching despratly and silently for something I dread finding.  He's here, I know- this place is haunted by sweat and piercing blue eyes.  Row upon row of cooridor walls and every step is one closer to inevitable heartbreak. 
When I find him it's unsurprising, there is the farmiliar faded brown shirt and dirty blond hair cropped close.  And that's when everything goes grey.  No breath, no tears, nothing at all except for the words I've been failing to say for years.
In my dream it's too late, it's always too late.

Doors

There are so many different shades of me here.  I see them in the shadows, on the brick paths and darting in and out of imposing buildings.  Some laze in the sun on grassy lawns, others linger in the doorway for a farewell kiss-a few drag their downcast faces across the lawn in an endless battle against unseen opponents. 
I am everything here, and I am nothing.  Somewhere there is a girl smiling down from a balcony while torches burn and one figure in black gazes back at her lithe figure.  Less than a quarter mile away there is the girl who didn't make it lying face down in a ravine after a flight with a jarring end.
A million places I could walk tonight, and see a million things- but somehow my feet take me back to the beginning of this path that I am on now.  Through a door and up a set of stairs, pausing to rest a hand on a worried knob.  Locked of course, and then back out and up another short flight to stare unseeingly at a door that I cannot open even if I had the key.  I know what is inside, pain and love and desire. 
I have followed this tradition that a million coeds before me knew; not a sorority ritual or a plank of wood-but the loss of innocence and the first real glimpse of the world.  I pity the girl behind that door, and I'm proud of her.  I know that she has years of hurt ahead of her but I also know that this one survives. 
My first day back on campus I suck away and stared at this door, somehow this is the one shade I can't escape.  I suppose somehow that means something, whether or not I'm willing to admit it. 

And tomorrow I will go through with a charade that is pure pageantry, but still it will mean that this place no longer belongs to me.  I pick my pieces up and walk away and leave only shades and shadows and one brown locked door.

Astrology 101

 Cocktail parties are just plain boring.  She thinks this to herself as she bats blue eyes and offers her simpering smile to tall strangers with gleaming watches and crisp bow-ties.  Boring, and they smell like the old woman perfume that wafts from Dolores Ebony as she fills her fourth cup of spiked punch and titters to her date that she isn't a day over forty.  Somewhere around the room her own date is awkwardly tripping over his shoes as he rushes to introduce himself to the high profile account executive who just arrived.  Sighing she stirs the maraschino cherries at the bottom of her cup and wonders if it would be impolite to pick them out by their long stems.

"You look bored."  A startled glance up reveals a pair of brown eyes standing in front of her, one brow arched in a knowing smirk.
"I'm sorry, excuse me- was I in your way?"  She's realizing that perhaps she's had a glass too much of the punch herself, because now the room seems too warm and she can feel a blush spread across her cheeks.
"Well if you were I'm glad- come on and smile, I'm only teasing."  Across the room the band swings into action again, and couples all around begin to make their way to the temporary black and white dance floor. The young man is still smiling at her.  "You have a date tonight?"  She looks around, half shrugging;
"He's around here, somewhere...."
"Well, how about a walk outside?"  He's suddenly shy and glances down before she replies.
"Sure, I mean I would love to get out of here for a few minutes, but I don't know where we would go..."
"Oh, don't worry.  I know a place."  The gleam is back in his eye and before she can think twice he is off weaving through the room and disappearing out the patio door.

The cool air is calming and she can feel the heat vanishing from her cheeks.  The back porch has a few party goers that all share the same tired look on their faces that she is sure was mirrored on her own minutes before.  He is standing against the porch railing and she moves to stand beside him;  he smells clean and faintly of musk.
"The stars are beautiful tonight."  He doesn't look at her when he speaks; she watches him watch the sky, fascinated.
"They're pretty, I've always loved imagining what they're really like." 
"I think they're powerful, there are whole worlds, civilizations out there that we have never discovered.  Out in space... I would love to see everything from out there sometime."
"You mean like the earth?"
"Sure, yeah the earth but everything else too-we have such a finite perception of the world.  We only know what we can see, touch-everything else is pure guesswork.  What are you standing on?"  He turns to look at her and his eyes are burning, she looks around for an answer, cheeks flaming to life again."
"The porch, I suppose."
"Yes but under that?"
"The ground."
"And what's under the ground?"
"The earth's core, I suppose.  Molten lava and all that."
"Are you sure?"
"Well, of course.  All the science says so."
"Yes, but how do you know it's there?"  She pauses, meeting his gaze, captivated and a little frightened by his passion. 
"I suppose I don't."
"Exactly."  Silence falls again, and when he breaks it his tone is softer and more reverant.
"Old stories from all over the world talk about giants roaming the earth.  Today we suppose this is just a per-historic exaggeration but how do we know it's not true?  What if there is a whole world beneath our feet, giants and all sorts of things we thought were just fairytale."  They're standing close now, and without even realizing it had happened she realizes his arm is around hers and they're staring skyward together.  Abruptly he turns and takes her hand,
"Wanna go on an adventure?"  For a moment she pauses, thinking about the poor bumbling fool inside by the punch bowl.
"Of course."

Her heels clutched in her arm she follows him around the vast expanse of lawn to the front of the house, ducking past lit windows and around neatly trimmed hedges.  At the front of the house he stops in beside the picture windows.  Through the half drawn blinds she can see the band and bits of people dancing and talking, but he isn't looking through through the glass.
"Ready?"
"For what?"  His brow is arched again and he simply points up; leaning her neck back she can see a roof three and a half stories above.
"How are we getting up there?"  He smirks and points at an old trellis winding it's way past the windows and up into the darkness.
"We climb."

The wood is old but sturdy, after the first ten feet she learned her lesson about looking down.  At the second story the trellis ends, but the roof flattens out above be the raised ceiling of sitting room. He looks at her, offering his hand to steady as she climbs over the lip of the roof to sit beside him.
"You want to stop here? I didn't even ask if you were afraid of heights."
"I've never had the chance to find out, but lets keep going."
"You sure?"  His are burning with passion again, but this time they burn into hers.  She nods and the grin spreads from his eyes to his lips as he jumps up and leads her away from the edge.  There is an old wrought iron fire ladder in the shadows; rung over rung, hand over hand they climb-her bare toes gripping the cold metal.  Finally his foot disappears above her and strong arms reach down to pull her up the last couple of rungs.  The air seems cooler up here, and the wind whips around them and without knowing how she got there she is bundled in beneath his arm.  Spreading his jacket before them, he stretches out and looks expectantly at her. Thirty seconds later she is in his arms and they both stare skyward, his fingers weaving themselves into her hair.
"This is perfect."  The words escape her in a sigh, and he brushes her lips with his fingertips.
"Shhh."
The night whispers around them and she closes her eyes, safe in the knowledge that nothing is for certain. 

Paradise found

There is nothing better than a soft kiss and a dimpled cheeked smile and a whispered "don't go..."  Curling deeper into the oversized shirt that smells like sweat and deodorant and cologne, I kiss the fingers that are stroking my arms.  Safe, for a few hours.  Here there is no heartbreak, there are no lies to be told and no pain to ignore.  I can't stop laughing.  He is worried, I know, that I'm laughing at him but I'm not.  I'm laughing at the world, for proving me right.  I stopped looking, I gave up- I was going to let the pieces lie and walk away. And then, this.