Medea's Lament

You're the love of my life, after all.  I've been saying it for years now.  Perhaps tomorrow I will be upset.  Perhaps tomorrow I will be angry.  Perhaps tomorrow I will write a bloody scene or two.  Right now I just
AM.

I know more truths now, things that people were afraid to tell me before.  It helps, knowing I was not the only one who kept secrets.  The difference was I told you the truth, in the end.  But now I know.  Even so, through my moments of blind rage and self doubt, I still love you.  That doesn't change.  There is no switch to turn off my emotion.

I thought you were the Last One.  I thought you were my Rhett Butler.  You might still be, I suppose; in some sweepingly brilliant end of a romantic comedy where you realize that YES, I'm the one!  And YES, you can't live without me!  I don't expect that though.  I expect for you to look for solace and love in other places.  I expect you to believe that I am too broken to be fixed.  You don't fight for us, you never have- that's me. 

When you walked out the door I collapsed.  I will apologize to my neighbors tomorrow for my sobs and wild clatter and banging, the poor girls who don't know that my heart is breaking will think I've really gone insane.  Now though, I'm calm.  The man I fell in love with, I can't find him anymore.  I see hints now and then, little smiles bits of teasing.  But mostly you have fallen into a morose mean man that I have never met. 

I don't hate you.  I think you're handsome and intelligent and you will make a wonderful father someday.  I don't hate you but right now, I don't see you coming back to me.  

Please find yourself again.  Maybe, in finding yourself, you will find the love for me that you "lost" so long ago.  Maybe you won't.  Either way, I hope I will have done some good.  As much as I want to spend my life discovering the world with you, I can't spend my life living the way I have been for the last year.  I love you, but I love myself more.  I hope that before you try to make things work- with me or anyone else- you find the truth about what makes YOU truly happy.  Because I don't believe you know right now.

You told me you can't handle my dark and twisty side.  But darling, I was dark and twisty long before you came along.  Maybe more so when there are things to emphasize it, but there is something you don't understand.   I love me on all my dark and twisty days as much as I love me on my best days. I would never harm myself, because I believe that I am worth the fight; even when my mouth is forming the words that I'm not. 

Now, I have to pick myself up and this time there is no one else there telling me how wonderful I am.
  I'm hurt, so hurt.  This will take me years and probably countless dollars in therapists to comprehend.  But if I can do this, if I can move on by myself, I will be the girl I once was again. 
Maybe there is someone out there waiting for me, maybe he's hurting too and he feels just as desperate as I do. 

I know this: I live, love, fight with passion.  I will never give that up.  As long as I have passion, I am still meridith-tabitha-amphitriti.  I love you, with all of my heart, and I do hope you find yourself while there is still time for me to give myself to you. 

But if you don't, I hope you are happy.