Daymares

I’m still scared though. You ask me to go to a ball and there is a swell of giddy ness and a rush of memory that makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder if you remember the last time you asked. I wonder if you remember why I said no then.
You’ve made me see things the way you remember. I see where I hurt you, where I ran when I should have stayed. I’m afraid that I haven’t been able to tell you how I remember things. The number of times that I was confirmed in believing that I was second best. The amount of un-learning that I have left to do.
I wonder where the line is between telling you that I’m hurting and leaving the past behind. This is not a good week, family medical emergencies, moving, my opening a new season and trying to make decisions for the next year that will effect the next ten. Maybe next week. Probably next week.

Bottom line. I love you. That chapter of my life- our lives is over. I said that I needed to wait but my heart was breaking further and so now here we are, together at last. I worry though that I rushed it. I didn’t have time to put this to rest, if it can indeed be put to rest.

I know you love me. I trust you, here and now. I just need to remember that neither of us are the people we once were. I’ll probably spend the rest of my life learning to trust again. It’ll be worth it though. You’re worth it, and so am I.