Bright lights, cracked cement coming at my face, somewhere someone is laughing. Blood, mine? covering the inches of ground I can see out of swollen eyes. Pressure on my neck and skull, lights are dancing around my eyelids; the flashlight comes down with a crack... fingers snap.
"Here is your fucking edge, you asked for it. I'm just giving you what you want."
And things are darker now, the flashlight no longer trained on me casts shadows over my mangled body. The world is dissolving into pure senses, taste of blood, thunk of bone on cement, smell of alcohol on his breath.
Rewind
"Hey there Mr., what are you doing tonight?"
Shiny purple top, cheap plastic boots. You look at me, for seconds I think I have misjudged. Getting ready to run before you call the cops, when you say "How much?" Take in your outfit, well cut suit, not tailored. So Lowmans variety, I would say. Middle class striving to give the impression that you are oh-so much more.
A number, a barter, a deal. You follow, I lead.
Small cot, sheets need washing. Remember to do that. These are things I think about while he gets what he pays for. Tomorrow maybe I'll see about stealing more fake-tanner, I'm almost out. Wonder what he would do if he knew my actual age could get him thrown away for life? Almost laugh, change it into a panting sigh at the last moment; don't ruin it for him or he might not pay up.
"What's your name kid? 'Case I want to find you again?" He is grinning, I count the bills. Give him a name, the false one, and he turns to leave. Glance back.
Pause
He is at the door, framed by the halogen glow of the light outside. Reminds me of the porch light back home. Legs crossed; my top is pushed off one shoulder and twists around my waist. Boots still on, skirt bunched up around my middle. Don't look glamorous or desired, I look pathetic.
His eye, the one eye that I can see, is full of intense blue. Some girl somewhere fell into those blue eyes once, dreamed of spending her days with him. Now that girl is waiting at home bemoaning the long office hours he works. She wears red lingerie-has fallen asleep on the couch waiting to surprise him for their anniversary. And that intense blue is staring at me.
Play
"Why do you do it?" Clear my throat, they ask from time to time. But his eyes, it's hard to give him the sexy answer, I want to give him the truth. Can't though, stick with the Code. Tomorrow I'll just be another exciting night adventure, don't cast myself in everyday light.
"The edge."
Fast-forward
You ask for me, I hear you asking all of the other girls. "Here I am Bright Blue, come find me..." But not a word, wait for you to work your way down the street shining your flashlight in face after face.
Wordlessly you hold bills up, I nod and beckon, nod and beckon.
Grab my arm outside my door, spin me into your arms. Gaze up, up into blue. You kiss me then, break the Code and kiss me like you mean it. Release slow, slow, slow.
Laughter, don't know why I do, but there it is. And I see what you are going to do and I don't stop it.
The crack of the flashlight on my skull reverberates around the alley, and still I am laughing. You are lovingly beating me to the ground, caressing me with blows. This means so much more then the other kind of caress. Tonight, I am alive!
Whisper in shouts, tell me that this is what I asked for. Feel your boot press into my spine, feel it bend almost too far. And for once I am not saying it mechanically, for once I mean it.
"Yes, yes, yes!"
Stop
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