Mid-day Catharsis

Now, I run.
Each step I take retches from somewhere deep in my breast, and I try to remember. 
One, two, three- in.  One, two, three- out. 
As I run I peel back layers of myself.  I remember the desperate middle school days, all those years ago.  The bullies, making names for me and telling me that I am clumsy and slow and undesirable.  I remember crumpling the brown bag still containing my lunch and throwing it away, day after day after day.  I remember flying high into the air on the swing, closing my eyes at the top of each arc.  I remember my mantra: Ignore them and they will go away, ignore them and you will fly away.  I run and I pace my breathing and I let it go, let it all fly away into the distance.  I am swift and graceful and desired.
Half a mile. 
In my mind, I am twelve and it's past midnight.  My mother, due home at nine, is not answering her cell.  She's on a date, somewhere- or maybe at a musician.  She hasn't been home for a weekend yet this month.  I am scared but so is my little brother, and now I realize that I am his rock and he is mine and for the rest of forever we will be each other's family.  We clutch each other and cry, desperate for someone to come and parent us.  And now, I have a family that loves me, believes in me, lets me cry if i need to.  And I breath.
One mile.
My heart break, as boy after boy falls into traps set by my oh so clever friends.  The feeling of despair when I learn that I am being replaced, I am not going to be my papa's only (and favorite) daughter after fifteen years enjoying that title.  The years in the chorus, fighting tooth and nail for single lines and momentary solos.  And now, I don't need it anymore.  I am beloved, and I am strong, and I am worth waiting for.  I am living in my own spotlight.
Two miles
I am here, and now, and present.  I keep going when my body begs me to stop, and I will beat it- all of it.  I am everything in the past and everything that is the future.  And I run,
I run.