And another thing...

Tonight, to make it all ok, all I needed was your arms around me.

590 Days

When I close my eyes no time has passed. It's the same ache, the same confusion that I haven't felt for almost two years. Creeping down the hall-alone, hug myself and watch the minutes tick by. Again, it's my fault. Again, I'm trembling at the edge of the bed waiting to fall off. I want to do something radical and stupid to pinch myself out of this nightmare, only this time there are no mistakes left to make. This time no one will notice if I slip away, no one will care to see that I've come home. If I've come home.

Last night for a handful of minutes I felt alive for the first time in months. I was living an old dream again, and it was beautiful except that I forgot one part. The part where he rolls over and won't deign to touch me again, the part with the cutting remarks and insults that seep into my skin to be absorbed over time. And then there's the end of the dream, where I shake myself into nothing and then stare at a blank document and blinking curser. Here I am. Nothing's changed. Same dream, different man.

The worst part is, now I'm addicted to the adrenaline. I can't wait to dream again.