I have dreamed about you three times in the last three days, each time with increasing detail. It's so real that when I wake up I have a sense of peace, a feeling of having it all figured out. You're there and somehow everything makes sense. And then I open my eyes and reality creeps back in along with it's favorite bedfellows, uncertainty and guilt.
WHY. Why are you in my head, in my heart. I have spent the last decade of my life asking myself this question (Yes, it's been ten years of this.) I have had a slew of bad relationships, a few golden moments with men who could have otherwise been THE ONE. And now, I feel myself sliding towards the end of another greeted by the familiar harbinger of relationship death: dreams of you.
Except, this time it's not so simple. This time he's good and kind and we have built a life together. This time, it's my fault and I must be the cruel one in order to break it off. And if I don't? If I keep living this fairy tale lie and escaping every evening to waltz with you through my dreams, am I still at fault? The passion, the yearning that I have to be around you, to speak to you, feel your fingers on my skin: it's like nothing I've ever found before or since.
Have you been dreaming about me, too? Is this the universe in on some cosmic joke against us both? Perhaps, in another world and another life we found each other at the right moment and things were different. Perhaps, the world is truly trying to tell us something. Or maybe, it's just me. Pathetically holding on after a decade to what could have been my first love. I gave my heart as if it was, and maybe it's not so easy to get back something so rashly given.
In the end, I hope I'm not alone. I hope that you're in this torture too. If you are, please tell me so that I might end this for both of us, finally take a leap of faith and pick up the phone to call. And if not, well darling, I'll see you in my dreams.
34th and Lexington
15 years ago
