Sunshine

Hey there boy. You smile and then here-comes-the-sun. So smile already.
It's rainy and gray here; and all I want is to put my short shorts on and go flop by a lake. I'm sick of life being shades of gray and so let's run away together and make it technicolor.
You're my "thirty seconds of wonderful in a lifetime of nothing special" that I have been looking for ever since I said those words to a packed house.
Sometimes I think I feel your ghost; someone brushes past me in a packed student union and I smell your jacket and almost spin and grab them by the sleeve. Looking behind me they turn into a solid stranger and I am left with a moment of starry cold memory. Tonight I'll listen to you falling asleep on the phone and I'll grin at the memory of you lying next to me, quietly happy. And then I'll smile, thinking of you.
Smile.
Ok?

Longing

Written almost exactly one year ago. Funny how some thoughts never change.

And all year she fought and kicked and screamed internally, because this was not what she
wanted, nothing was RIGHT. And she knew that eventually she would be worn down, and if this happened too soon she would lose everything. And none of them were right, nothing was right, and she wanted to take the notes and the flowers and the wine and throw it all on the floor. And then she could stomp on the broken glass; the wine would turn the paper a pretty burgundy color and the words would disappear.

And then one night she went for a walk. It was a risk, but it was honestly her last hope. She couldn't play games anymore, couldn't think like the cat or the mouse, just wanted it all to stop. But he asked her what she was doing, she said a walk probably, he asked if she wanted company, she said ok.

And they met halfway, and her boots clunked and her fingers froze shoved deep in her pockets. And then he said something that made her laugh, and she tugged his sleeve and for the first time looked into his eyes. Now they were standing in the middle of the road staring at each other and he was looking, actually seeing her. The rest of the world was in black and white and all of a sudden he was color. Time and stars passed and he took her hand and things were settling into right and good. And then right before civilization began she made some lame excuse and took her hand back, it was still hers and she didn't trust yet.

Her brain was waking up and it was fighting. The people who claimed to be her friends were full of warnings, and she had no one else to trust after all. And who was he to make her feel like that, who was he to make her want to throw everything else away? What right did he have? So she locked those feelings up somewhere in the back of her mind, only entertaining them on their long night sojourns. And time passed and so did prejudices, to be replaced with fears. Fears of making a mess out of a good thing, fears of being left alone, fears that all of this was yet another game.

And the walks increased, and so did that secret part of her that knew she was falling. And one night, one night she tugged his sleeve and again he was looking at her, and seeing her. And when they kissed that night, standing in the middle of the road, her life remained complicated. And she had mistakes left to make, and still on their return she pulled her hand back to herself. But that kiss, that one moment left her knowing that she could fight all she wanted but this was right.

And now she is here, and he is there, and she is closing her eyes tight and then again she is freezing on that road. There is snow and ice and her hands are closed on his heavy jacket. His eyes are lit by the lamp and they are seeing each other. There are stars, some tonight, but right now they are dim and distant because this is bliss.

And she is closing her eyes and she is there.

Chasing ghosts

The other day she chased me down in a dream. I tried to run but wasn't fast enough, and before I knew it she was upon me. I'm sorry she said, her breath smooth and even as I wiped sweat out of my eyes. You'll just never understand what we have. I'm sorry to take him back but he never really was yours in the first place. You understand. I tried to argue but the words stuck and before I knew it she turned to leave and I was watching her perfect form disappear. My dream self tried to reason it out, thinking of all the presents in the world I could give her to ransom you back. Panic rising my eyes snap open and I discover you beside me, your slightly parted lips and chest rising evenly.

Alone I turn over and throw my arms over myself, holding myself tight and squeezing my eyes shut. I know that I will wake in the morning with your arms around me, that you and I will kiss despite morning breath and that we will revel in our bliss of dirty t-shirts and sweatpants. But somehow before I can shut my mind off I see that perfect form again and I wonder.

Cheating again.

One word, imported from another place.
How?

Too late

I'm on a plane and I'm going to die. There are only a few of us here, seven or eight. We're gathered in the front of the cabin leaving all the seats behind us empty, I sit alone in my row and looking around I realize I'm the furthest back. In front of my are my mom and my brother, and I think they're crying. I know I am.
"Mommy, Mama I don't want to die. Mama please don't make this be happening, make it go away!"
"I know honey, I know, shhhh."
She squeezes the hand that I snake around the seat but the terror in her voice equals my own. My brother is silent, he sits eyes forward to the front of the cabin. The others here are half crying, half silent. Through my daze I see a middle aged woman going through hysterics while her husband sits silently by, face unmoving.
Looking down I find my phone on my lap. We're going to die anyway, in flight procedure be damned. Tapping the speed dial I get nothing at first, then finally one shaky bar. Maybe not enough to be heard, but enough to try. I don't even wait for an answer, I just clutch it to my face and sob in a half whisper.
"I love you Jon, I love you I love you I love you..."
Mom still grips my hand. Seconds left to say the things I thought I had a lifetime to say.
Seconds left.

Life is better vicariously though musicals.

It feels like cheating having another place to ramble.
Dirty cheating.
So here's to being faithful.
This morning turned so frustrating and scary. Go back and come again another day, please.

Here's to a Broadway show or two to get me through today.