Lying- acting I prefer to call it. I hate it, I do, but it's gotten me through divorce, harassment, re-marriage and parental expectations. I have developed this knack for acting to avoid hurting those I love at all costs. Middle school and I acted so that my mother wouldn't know what people did to me every day; high school and I acted as if I was happy that my family was changing size and dynamic so that my father wouldn't worry about me; college and I acted so that the world would think I was handling life well: in reality I've been falling apart for years. I've acted so much that sometimes it's hard for me to remember who I am, and what's just a character. So acting, again. Pretending that I am still innocent, naive, trying so hard not to say something that will hurt you, because guess what? I love you.
Truth- This I have struggled with more. Telling the truth sets off a chain reaction that somehow ends in hurting someone I love and my tears. I know that I have recently said tears are beautiful, but these are not tragic tears-they are ugly, guilty, and dishonest. How can I care about someone this much and still have done something that will hurt them to such an incredible extant? No matter how I look at it, the truth will only have one consequence, the loss of you. And so we are back to the original problem. I love you.
So now the easy part's done, weighing my options, looking at the situation objectively. Now comes the comprehension of my actions, and finally action itself. For now, perhaps I shall continue to plead ignorance to the whole affair; which is in itself lying by omission. Someday, when the time is right though, I know that I will say the things that make me lose you forever. And when that day comes, you should know: I love you.
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