Fear

Let me make a list of things that scare me. At least then they'll all be neatly gathered in one place.

~Heights. Not the "I can't climb that ladder, I'm scared of heights," indeed I spent much of my childhood clambering on catwalks 20 feet in the air. But one time I was at the top of the Statue of Liberty, we had climbed hundreds of stairs in a line that streachted on for hours. When we got to the top there was one tired security guard (this was before planes started flying into buildings) and he hustled me onto a thin plywood platform. My hand pressed against the tiny window, I could see the whole New York skyline streatched below and before me. In that second I knew two things: There is something about that city that I will always love, and I couldn't have my feet on firm ground soon enough.
~Suspense. When I was eight or nine I went through a phase of not being able to watch any new movies. My little five year old brother scoffed at me, but when my dad would bring home two or three movies I would beg to watch only five minutes of each at a time so that I could find out which one was the least scary. Blood and gore didn't bother me, it grossed me out but I could always make some sarcastic comment about make up artists or special effects. It was that shot from behind that always killed me, the one where you could just see the character and had to wonder if something was about to jump out at them and from where. Now I challenge myself to try to outdo my fear; grabbing my pillow, turning on the light, but forcing myself to watch.
~Cars. Or rather, car accidents. Ever since I woke up in that ambulance, sharp turns and hard brakes have made me forget to breath. Sometimes I think remembering everything would help...but most of the time I'm just grateful that I don't have to.
~Failing. No one really wants to fail, but I seem to have a real talent for screwing things up. Somehow, just when things get good I manage to make one huge mistake and that's it. I know I'm not the sort to really make people proud, but for once I want to not be part of the problem.
~Losing him. My little brother I mean. Because no matter what, he's all I have in the world, the only person who's not allowed to leave me. He doesn't get mad when I tell him I love him, we can go for weeks without talking and then have things be just like normal. I know he doesn't need me to protect him anymore, but somehow I have to try. In the end, he's really the one protecting me. I know there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for him.