As time goes by

There are these beautiful wonderful moments when I can close my eyes and forget the last four years completely.  It's me and my old music, you know the cd- "Ashley and Meridith."  Love song after love song, and to me they're about someone unattainable who I am content to admire from afar.  And then, right then, I believe it's possible.
In this world I smile and take silly photographs and love to play dress up every day.   I am an actress again, and I'm as worried about my auditions as I am my bills.  I believe in pink and outlandish headbands and that every true love must come with a dog. 
I'm not heartbroken, I'm not broken at all.  I have someone who is depending on me, at least a little bit, to get them through the day and that's such a wonderful feeling.  They make me giggle and smile and blush; I do all of these things without needing to remember how. 
The best moments are when I look up into the most beautiful set of eyes I have ever seen, and hope and dream of a kiss while knowing it will never come.  This is a passion that I can keep for myself, something secret and delicate that can never be ruined or tainted by reality.  Maybe I'm missing out on the love of my life, maybe this one time I should reach for something I want instead of forever settling for what is easy and seems logical.  Maybe, but part of me is Meridith still and I am shy and can't share any of this with the one person matters. 
Happy.  I am happy.
It will take a word, a look, a breath to end this moment of remembered independence.  But each time the moment is a little longer, and this is me-I am still me, even after the pain and the isolation of the last years of my life.  Maybe, by September, November, December, I'll finally have stitched myself back together enough to give part of me away again.  Right now I enjoy my dreams of stolen kisses, and wonderful blue, and hands that are gentle as they brush away the tears. 

Dearest Ash, Meridith loves you still.  A different face, a different smile, the same old heart.