Heart over mind

The brain is a funny complicated thing.
I spent years denying what was happening to me in the moment.
Years believing a narrative that I knew cognitively was impossible.
And then, when I could believe that it happened- I didn’t believe it was me. I spent so long calling myself a liar that though I could believe others and their experiences, I still thought it wasn’t real. That if someone holds you down and fucks you against your will, tells you they like it when you’re crying from the pain, it’s rape.
The other bits are complicated.
I remember being pushed down on the snow and the ice, but I still don’t know what happened. Only that I was told that if I didn’t get up quickly I would be the cause, at fault, the reason someone else got in trouble.
My brain made pathways, forged connections.
I learned that silence meant infidelity. I learned that asking someone where they were meant lies. I learned that the insecure voice in my head was always right.


So.
Did you know it takes hundreds of good connections to get rid of one bad one? And there are a lot of bad connections to re-write. But each time it does get a little easier. And the best part is that I’m doing this hard work on my own, because it’s mine to do. I’m not constantly asking for the validation, the love- I’m taking it when freely given (and reveling in how often it is gifted.) I’ve only had to say something once- and that was the dream. That awful horrible nightmare that I already lived once with someone else, But even in that there is Hope.
When it was real I thought I would crumble- but I didn’t. I didn’t because it was the wrong person in the wrong place and time. In my dream it was worse, so so much worse. Because this is the right person, the right time.
But that’s when I realized that unlike before, it’s just a dream.  I did the thing that I always wanted to do- I woke up. I called the love of my life. And it was ok, because it has never been our reality- and it won’t be. He could break me worse than I’ve ever broken but for the first time since the first time I can trust that he won’t.

The brain is a beautiful thing- it’s slowly helping me to heal the oldest and deepest wounds of my heart. So important, because I’ll never go back to who I was before but I won’t carry myself forward in pieces anymore. Now I know that I’m in the right time and place with the right person. He’s introducing me to his family as his girlfriend- sure it seems a little thing but if they’re shocked and ready to ask when the wedding is, maybe it’s not so little after all. And maybe, it’s not just me picking up pieces. Maybe there’s a reason he hasn’t used those words with them for anyone else before. I know he wants to believe that this could have happened five years ago, we could be married with kids- and it’s true but because of this time, I’m more me than ever.

For the first time since I was 18 years old,
I’m doing the impossible
and falling in love with my whole heart.

Take that, brain.