I used to stay up late late late and watch videos of people one one knee offering up shining pieces of True Love. I would bawl my eyes out as they told each other how they had waited their whole lives for The One, and there was no doubt in their minds or hearts anymore. My soundtrack became Bruno Mars and my soul longed for that same feeling, even as I explained away the fact that I would never be wholly committed because everyone in the world would be settling- my One wasn’t a possibility.
That’s what I told myself.
Every video inspired a raw desire and a jealousy that cut me to the soul. With the right diamond (emerald, then,) the right Tiffany blue box, the right clothes and hair I could will myself into that world. Even as I knew, from the moment he kissed me, that my heart belonged to the person I didn’t believe could ever love me. Even as I explained away with false assurances the fact that I wasn’t settling. Even as I TOLD the people that I cared about that I was waiting on his word, and ended clutching a tear stained pillow- twice.
I could have, would have, should have told him then, but if I had would this diamond sparkling moment be any better? I have grown so much into myself that I can take all the goofy and the serious. He teases that I missed out on six years. I tease that he missed out on eleven- but that doesn’t matter anymore. I can look into those beautiful eyes that reflect my island’s coastline and feel adored and safe. I had to go through hell with all it’s demons and now I’m here on my own two feet, safe and sound with no doubts and nothing to hold me back.
You are my
Exact
Source of happiness.
From this day until death do us part and beyond, infinity plus one.
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