Meredith, five years later.

“I love you.” 

It’s freezing and the streetlight out the window is painting the wall with shadows.     Meredith pulls her knees into her chest and whispers to the air, again and again. “I love you.  I love you, I love you, I love you...” Closing her eyes she allows the tears to come, slow and silent.  Through everything this never changes; always at the worst times the knowledge that she can pull the covers over her head and disappear to the world keeps her safe.  Tonight, for the first night in years, she allows herself to remember and mourn the past. 

Thinking back is like watching an old film, the parts that are in Technicolor are fleeting and have been corroded into a blur of images.  The woods, the sweet smell of spring; the little unmarked stone nestled between the twin birch trunks.  Both of them were buried there, for her.  When she had walked away from that stone, she had shed a layer of herself that would live in those woods forever; her sweet smile turned coy and calculating and her innocence was lost in a screech of tires and blood.

Now five years later Meredith was asking herself for the billionth time, what if?  What if she hadn’t told Ash, hadn’t decided to keep it, hadn’t asked Ken to drive that car…would she be in a beautiful house with a little boy?  Would she and Ash still be together, still be in love?  The love ended that night; there are some things a heart can’t recover from.  Through all the years, Meredith clung to one phrase, one last beautiful memory…

“I love you.” She had pretended not to hear as he approached, but Ash had never been very good at being quiet in the woods.  He was a thinker, not a walker.  An arm snaked around he waist and she sighed a little, fitting herself into the familiar nook under his chin.  

“You know, we really should take the stone into town and have it inscribed.”  She shook her head, silently.  The stone was perfect, nameless- this wasn’t a grave, it was a place of mourning.  And what name would she put on it?  Erik?  Ken? 

“Mere…”

“Don’t, Ash.  Just, don’t.”  She pulled away, fingering a stray piece of birch-paper. 

“What’s wrong, Meredith?  You’re not happy.  Did I do something to upset you?  You haven’t spoken to anyone in days, I’m worried, Belle and Annie are worried…”

“I’m fine.”

“Fine?”  She let the moments tick by, shredding the bark slowly.  Finally, she turned and looked up into his eyes.

“I love you too, Ash.”

“But?”

“But…well I need to learn how to be whole again.  I’m going to school this fall, I’m going to be in the middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania and I can’t bring Ken or Erik with me.  I can’t bring you with me.”

“So, what?”  Are we just…” his voice caught in his throat, she let him search for words for a long moment before taking his hands in hers and kissing them, finger by finger. 

“Ashley I will always love you, a love like ours doesn’t burn out, it doesn’t go away.  I’ll be yours, always and forever.  I just need some time right now.  I won’t see anyone else; we just need to stop for a while.”  Ash’s breath rattled, but he stood straight and held Meredith’s gaze, brushing a stray frizz from her eye.  Finally he reached into his pocket and pulled out something small and black.  With shaking fingers he flipped it open, and taking Meredith’s face in one hand kissed her deeply.

“I’ve had this in my pocket for months.  It didn’t seem right, after the crash, but I need you to know, I love you and I want you to be mine forever.”  The ring was small, silver with a green stone.  “It’s a promise that someday, I’ll give you the kind of ring you deserve.” 

“Oh Ashley, Ashley… I love you, I do!” Tears choked the end of her words but she let him slip the bit of metal on to her finger and pull her into his chest.  This was home, this was the life that she knew and understood.  She let her breath match his and closed her eyes, murmuring into his chest.  “I love you, so much.  I don’t need a ring, I just need some time.”   He smiled into her hair, “All the same, take the ring.”

“I love you…love you.  Love.  Under the covers, Meredith twists the green ring around and around, feeling the crease it had worn in her finger.  She had promised, when she put it on, that she would only take it off to replace it with another ring someday.  She had said a lot of things, but somehow she couldn’t forget that pledge.  Tomorrow, maybe, she would talk to Clark.  He would have a way of reminding her of all the lovely things in the world; of blue-eyed laughter and sweet passionate kisses.  Tomorrow would indeed be another day with another love, another grey hair discovered and another wrinkle formed.  And now?  Now Meredith had herself, and a green ring, and a few dusty memories.