Para Siempre

A note, though I hate them and I feel it ruins the feel of this blog- this is not to hurt you.  It is for me.  I need to write to find out what's wrong and to process, please understand.  If you need to talk about it, you know how to find me.

Are my eyes still the prettiest when I've been crying?  Don't know, no one to tell me really.  All the things I wanted to say, wish I could have said.  I just want to be the first choice again, not second and not because I just happen to be here.  With him- we will always know the other person has given their heart away.  To you.  I gave mine to you long ago.  And they say hearts are broken, but mine is simply hostage no matter how I try to break the bars of it's cage of memories.  I do love you, still, I thought that was well established.  I don't want to have you anymore though.  I want to be pretty and adored, I want to be light and fun and keep my dark and twisty to late night short story writing.

More than anything I want to be myself, by myself for a while.  Yes, it's lovely to have someone to talk to but really more than anything I want to talk about life and adventures, not bedroom escapades and innuendo.  It's so exciting to be young and alive.  So exciting to make decisions based on myself, to run away for a weekend without having to tell anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing. 

I am so dark and twisty and maybe it is all my fault.  But maybe some of it is yours too, and until you accept that blame we could never work, and I wouldn't want us to.  I am smiling now, and laughing and giggling and it's beautiful.