Where were you. Two in the morning, and of course no reason for you to be wandering around in the mist and yet... there you were on the front step and I am here in the dark alone. Before I realize what I'm doing I'm raising my hand in the light of the street lamp in a pathetic half salute. Glancing up at me, you let your eyes slide over and down until your gaze lands somewhere in the gutter to my left. Sure. I know you; you're coming back from a walk, some beautiful raven haired girl is probably skipping herself into her dorm and telling her roommate about the most wonderful first kiss in all the world.
Would have asked, could have asked for the truth and despite the bitter in your voice you would have told me...but no. Lock it away. Stuff it behind the memory of our first kiss, so sweet under the street lamp; of those nights in an old jeep with pennies in between the seats- the way you looked me in my eyes uttering my full name and those words, "I love you."
Gone, of course, for the better, so we would have the world believe.
Gone and most nights I can pretend it's not true, I can sit with men who make me laugh and talk to boys who flatter and yet.... when one finally leans in there are only two words left.
"I can't." So, as far as the kissing and telling there is far less of the first part than the second I suppose.
And yet, I can't ask you the things that would set me free. I can't hurt myself in order to find release, so here I am trapped in eternal purgatory.
Where were you?
34th and Lexington
15 years ago
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